Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
