youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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