I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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