This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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