I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
