Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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