she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
