i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
