If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
