If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
