i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i think my cat just said my name.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
