I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
