Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
