UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
