the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
