Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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