Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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