dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
