I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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