Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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