update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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