I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
