Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
