This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
