my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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