I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
