It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Randomize
