Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
