I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
