no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
