You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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