i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
