You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
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The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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