alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
