hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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