Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
