nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Actions speak louder than pants.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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