im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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