Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
