if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
