Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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