I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
