i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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