the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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