So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Oh god it's open bar.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
