The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
