I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
