My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
