I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
don't judge my taste in strippers
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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