im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
