If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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