I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
