Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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