i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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