I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
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I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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