Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
