Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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