I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
