dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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